There are somethings you just want to say.

 LOUD.

Yell them at people.

Things that even your best friend would slap you for saying.

Things like:

You thought I was actually going to put them down, didn’t you? I can’t though. I just can’t. They’re too true. They’re too mean. They’re too real for people to understand.

The raw emotion behind everything is more than socially acceptable. Is that an issue all in itself? I’m not too sure but that’s not the point of this post, but maybe another one.

There are things that I’ve left unsaid for a variety of reasons. I was too scared. I was a coward. I legally could not say them.

But the words I don’t get to say, they’re on repeat in my head. I want to shout them at the people they’re about. I want to express my emotions through the spoken word but I can’t because the bridges it would burn and the lives it would change outweigh my personal gain.

So I’ll sit her silently, brooding on the inside, smiling on teh outside. Winning in my mind.

“when everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am”-goo goo dolls.

I hope for those of you reading these that you don’t take me to be the complete whiny white girl package with a sad sob story. Because I have had one of those ladies in my life before and I wanted to tell her to put her big girl panties on and get over it. But she didn’t. And life went on anyways. Leaving her behind to pick up the pieces on her own.

After a while you have to choose to get over it. Leave it behind. Forget the revenge. Realize they did you wrong and they’ll have a guilty conscious eventually. No, it’s not fun waiting for them to come to the realization that you were the best thing that ever happened to them, but hey, give ‘em time.

I know you miss me. Tell me about it. I also know you’re still seeing her. People talk. Yeah, you can forget that whole, “I’m too sly to get caught” act. It’s stupid, you know that? You’re taking advantage of her, but heaven forbid you feel bad about it because you’re still just looking out for number one. So have fun with that. Honest, if she can make you happy I hope it lasts. Lord knows I couldn’t make it with you.

You already asked me for so much. You can’t ask me to be nice too. It doesn’t work like that. Stop contacting me. It’s pathetic. You just feel guilty because you know you did something you shouldn’t have. You suck, and you know it and don’t do anything about it because no one can call you out about it. 

So that was my rant. Yes, I’m over it now. It’ll still hurt, but you’re just some punk that got away with it for a while and I’ll be better than you ever knew. 

Peace out girl scout.

In other news: my sinuses hate me. LIterally. I’m about to do my fourth netty pot for the day. Thank you for whoever invented these. My body just hates me:( 

Mom, I love you. I’m sorry that it wasn’t the plan you wanted or thought was going to happen. Give it time, it’ll be revealed to you, I know it will.

XOXOXO

(via leilockheart)

This is the longest I have ever stuck with a program. 

This was day one.

It sucked. No other way to put it. I was out of shape, I was tired. I didn’t want to make it through. I’d lost my drive to workout and get results. I didn’t know what I was capable of anymore. 

College has been the hardest experience of my life. Legitimately. I’ve lost my sister to a foreign country, my parents to jobs and school and constant moving and I lost myself somewhere in the first weeks. I lost that desire, that will. I do well in school, I have the best friends of my life but still. I got lost.

This was me at Crown. Week 5. 

And today… I saw my hip bones. For the first time since high school, I have hip bones that protrude when I stand. I’m not ashamed of my figure and I don’t wear shorts and feel uncomfortable. 

While things stink in life right now, I know that I’ve at least got my health regiment on lock. 

Here’s to a skinny summer and not being ashamed to finally buy jean shorts.

“Yeah, I, I know it’s hard to remember//The people we used to be//It’s even harder to picture//That you’re not here next to me”- Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa

Yeah, so it’s Monday. Things aren’t getting easier right away. If anything they’re just getting harder. The lines between us are so blurred yet defined at the same moment. We don’t talk but somehow I still find myself replaying our conversations again and again. 

You’ve made me cynical and cyclical. I’m stuck in a rut but somehow I’m also ecstatic that at least this time there is a bit more of a way out. 

I see it, the light in this dark moment. You’re going to finally be gone. I’m going to leave and have a moment to recover. I’m ready to now. I mean it now. Before there was a hope you’d change. That you’d be learn to love me again. That you would stop listening to everyone and want me again.

But that died a long time ago. When you go scared. Scared of all of it. Then you changed. Completely. 

So this is my payphone call. I’m going to be fine. Better than that actually. 

“This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me” -Katy Perry 

Love stinks. And then you grow old and you realize it was just a fantasy that you painted into reality with someone else. Then they break your heart and you go back to them ten million times because they were the only person who you were truly comfortable with and then you realize that you deserve better and they don’t let you go because every time you try to move on they try harder and every time you act like you don’t care they want you that much more and you give in and it stinks because they cast you aside again until you put up a fight and then they compromise for a little while and then the fighting starts and it’s over and you do that cycle again and again and again until one day they look at you and say

it’s over. 

Just like that. A year and a half of trying and wanting and wishing and fighting and loving and hurting and helping and families and memories and dancing and melodies and friends and pets and traveling and explaining and compromising and horrendous moments and beautiful make-ups 

are 

just

over. 

There are many who get hurt in a breakup. It’s more than just the two of you. It’s all of your friends. Their friends. Your friends. Mutual friends. Friends that pick sides. Friends that stay neutral. Friends that pick a side just because they think they have to. Your parents hate them and then love them and hate them again because they don’t know how you feel and you don’t even know how you feel because it happens in a fast-forwarded slow motion so it doesn’t make sense in the moment but looking back you see all of the flaws and it’s so dang obvious.

I just hate it. And then you lie to me. To my face. After the fact. What’s the point now? Haven’t you already broken me down to my core? Why kick me when I’m down? I’m used to it by now but it still hurts. Seriously.

There is a bit of justice though. I deserve better than you and you know it. So I’m going to go do what I want with who I want and when I want. It won’t be pretty when it’s over but it’ll be me and that’s all I want right now. 

Thank you for this. You’ve just made it that much easier to do the right thing. 

(via livinlifeonadare)

(via midwestern-darling)

(via butyouhaveme)

(via butyouhaveme)

Thank you Josh Abbott for singing out all of my emotions. Yes, I’ll be free and no work is not fun and yes I want to live through a small family dream. Call me crazy but you’re the one who decided to read this blog post from a random woman who never promised to be sane. Not once.

Truth is I’m over it. I’m over the class and the constant stress that has my hair falling out and the drama that is my life these days. Just done. 

I’m ready for summer. I’m ready to idealize the sun and perfect my tan. I’m ready to feel sexy by just wearing shorts day in and day out. I wanna make it my goal to complete all of “My Texas” list by the end of my college experience. I would say this year but with D.C. creeping up in the Fall, I don’t know if that’s possible.

To be more than honest, D.C. scares me. It’s already cost me so much. Four months that haven’t even happened yet and they’re whats standing between me and one life path. ONce again, if you think I’m dramatic you’re the one that thought it was acceptable to read this thing. 

Should I even be going? One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to do one thing that scares me everyday. That’s probably the biggest one. You know what, D.C. is the one thing that scares me for the rest of my life. It’ll be life changing. It already has been in more than one way. 

I’m beginning to realize that if I am an introvert. I feel the need to just be listened to, even if only by a diary kept in the back of my drawer that holds my deepest thoughts. I’m over being the nice girl that keeps it all in. 

I need some time to get over all of it. To clear my head, that’s what this summer will be. 

“She feels neglected like the drought that plagues this land. In need of a lover’s touch and the hands of an honest man.” -Rain Finally Coming Down, Josh Abbott Band 

First of all, Happy Valentine’s Day. I made this bad boy for my kids. I liked them and some asked for more :)

But today is also Single’s Awareness Day. I don’t know what it was, but it seemed like everyone and their dog was celebrating this day. It’s hard to not get wrapped up in the commercialism, the cost, and the (lack of) commitment. 

But I’m not bitter. Tonight I had a Valentine’s Date. It was with the road, an old(er) pair of Asics, and a Disney vs. Rap mashup play list. Don’t judge. It was very nice. 

I got to thinking about lyrics and love. Love is pretty evasive for me. I have people who love me and I have those whom I love. However, recently I’m not sure everyone in one category fits in the other and vice-versa. 

So here are some lyrics from the following playlist that has been on repeat the past couple of days. And I plan on it staying that way: http://8tracks.com/nutmegj/anti-valentine-s-day

Shut up and let me go, that hurts I told you so…

So what? I’m still a rockstar…

“Now you’re just somebody that I used to know…”

Who do  you think you are? running around leaving scars and collecting your jar of hearts…

Wait, they don’t love you like I love you…

And if I had my suspicions I kept them out of my heart…

So tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here…

To name a few. I enjoy this playlist because it’s somewhat empowering but it reminds me of where we learn to love, from our Father. 

^{Song of Songs (MSG) 2:7} Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, 
   by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer:
Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, 
   until the time is ripe—and you’re ready. 

Do you know that Song of Songs can be taken in several different ways? One being that it’s God’s love letter to his children?

I believe that we don’t protect our hearts from our minds and in turn from others. As females, we go head over heels for almost any guy that walks in with our prescribed look of choice and a semi-interest in us. We through ourselves out into the world to make ourselves better. We shop, we work out, we compete, we buy into all of it. 

No, shopping, exercise, competition, and the economy are not bad things. i don’t mean it in the negative way. I mean we don’t take the time to love ourselves and cultivate that relationship first.

“Don’t excite love…” that means no idealizing The Notebook. Mr. Sparks is a fabulous writer but those relationships are not real. We shouldn’t let ourselves get carried away with them.

“…don’t stir it up…” that means if you’r in a relationship don’t move faster than the pace that God is guiding you at. Learn to follow in the grand dance between the two of you.

“…Until the time is ripe…” love is like fruit. It grows, blossoms, and produces more fruit (NOT JUST BABIES). Give it time to get to where it needs to be. Put forth the effort. You might get bruised, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep giving good fruit.

“…and you’re ready” so there will be times when you have cultivated your relationship with God and you must take the leap of faith to follow his will. Don’t sit in complacency. You can do it. 

Dear Lord,

You’ve led me through broken hearts before, but this is the first one on my own without my family nearby to make it all better. Grant me peace Lord. Thank you for reminding me of the greatest love story of all time, yours. 

xoxo,

Bailey